Somedays...

...just require a little taller of a perspective.

Conversations.

Had this wonderful conversation with a guy on the metro who was reading a book by an author that the Artist recommended to me over dinner last night.


He told me of something:

A few days ago, I realized the saddest thing I think I have ever come to the realization of. I realized that I'm going to die before I have a chance to read everything I've ever wanted.


With that statement, we exited the train and continued chatting walking to the exit - me mulling over his words.

I realized.


I left my black pumps on the metro.

Of Asana, Knights, and Transparency

Well, I didn't make it to the shala this morning.
I woke around 6:30 this morning, 90 minutes behind schedule, quite surprised about being in my bedroom and not in California, but from a wonderful dream.

* * *

I was practicing by the the pool of Neutra's Desert House (1946), the sun was rising and illuminating the colors of the rock of the surrounding landscape. As I begun my practice, there was a light fall breeze gently fluttering the white linen thai fisherman pants I was wearing. I moved with ease though the transitions fully and gracefully binding Marichyasana-D and there was nothing but fluid movements from Bhuja Pindasana and into Supta Kirmasana. I didn't panic as I moved into UD and standing, only peace and a wonderful sense of calm. (These are all things I can only presently aspire to in waking life.)


As I rolled up my mat my college advisor and figure drawing professor walked out onto the patio with chai and fresh homemade dark-chocolate ginger biscotti. I leaned against a human scale knight chess piece as they began probing me about what I was doing with my life. They offered suggestions on my current artistic exploits/endeavors and extended nothing but encouragement for my idea of overhauling my portfolio and seeing where that takes me.

My dream came to a close as I was handed a letter with an Eames stamp on it, that was returned to me, address unknown.


* * *

At the Jivamukti workshop I went to back in July, at one point the teacher spoke about how we're all moving towards a collective consciousness and all connecting on higher planes. Let me say first and foremost, I'm not one to subscribe to the Timothy Leary "Turn on, tune in, drop out" idea in the least. However, I am starting to think, that simply, we're all more similar than we want to believe and it's cultivating an awareness of that which is truly important. Those around us act as mirrors of where we are within our present (or even where we might have seen ourselves in the past or in the future). That once we acknowledge our own True needs, "flaws", and "strengths," we gain a deeper understanding of those around us and effect a level of transparency and strength within ourselves.

Recently I've been noticing a lot of patterns amongst those in my shala, the cyber-shala, and really just in general. True that our species finds an amazing level of comfort in patterns, I'm starting to find comfort in discovery and stepping outside of my usual patterns (which is not such a bad pattern to have). Looking back on my dream I know where all of these pieces are coming from and it's really quite exciting and interesting to see how they fit together and create a beautifully collaged image. I commented on a shala-mate's blog with a mash-up of a bit of Shakespeare and Lewis Carroll with the underlying idea that the world is truly really nonsensical and the most random of elements can come together to provide clarity, to promote intrigue, and that everything that is meant to get done will and in the manner it is meant.

The end product isn't what's important at all.
It's that idea of the process, again, being the most important.

Maybe that's why I'm really not beating myself up about not making it to the shala this morning. After my dream I got a wonderful 30 minute meditation practice in, something that I haven't had the luxury of in a long time. And yes I've spent my day juggling file requests, writing motions and [proposed]orders, running between meetings, fully suited and wearing those georgeous BananaRepublic black pumps.

Quite the antithesis from my early morning waking...

Mantra Monday: I am.

What am I going to wear to work with those shoes tomorrow?…Do I have shoes to wear to her wedding?...Am I going to have time to go out shopping before going away this weekend?....What should I cook for dinner?…Is the milk still good?...Why did I buy that book that hasn’t been opened and is sitting on my bookshelf?... Shoot, I left my book at work…Did I finish everything I needed to at work today?...

*Stop*

We all need a moment of pause in our day, something to balance ourselves. Every day life demands an immediacy that spins us out of control and forces us to learn to spin slightly off kilter. How do we maintain our sense of balance? How do we return to center? One of the easiest ways to do this is through mantras.

There are many types of mantras. Probably the simplest, yet most enigmatic modern mantras are: Who am I? and I am.

It’s very easy to get caught up in the image that we have generated for the outside world. This past weekend, I continued going through my shoes, pulling out those pairs that no longer fit quite right. I had worn one of these pairs to work last week, black suede pumps. Whenever I wear them I always receive complements on them. As far as my memory will permit, they used to fit wonderfully, but now, they are not comfortable in the least, the sides rubbing against my outer heels, blistering and tiring my feet.

Each day we present to the world a reflection of who we are at that moment, by how we respond to outside factors and on a superficial level how we dress. Do we meet that research project for work head on or do everything in our power to get around to it? Do we eschew that beautiful pair of fall boots in favor of purchasing the supplies to cook dinner for friends?

How often do we really reflect on who we truly are, once we peel back all the layers?

While running errands on Saturday, I came across a pair of black leather pumps at Banana Republic, as soon as I put them on, they felt just right, this is who I am…

…at least for right now.

Class #3: Satya, Reaching Back & Deep

Try as I might, I have never owned a pair of standard, classic black pumps. I've looked, I've searched, I've tried black pumps of varying heights and toe shapes. To this day, I have not found that perfect pair. There is always something wrong with the various "plain" black pumps I've come across. Today, I reached back into the bottom of my closet and my pair of Black NYLA d'Orsay pumps - purchased from Nordstrom’s at the beginning of April 2005. They might not be the “classic” black pump, but they are still some great black shoes.

I had forgotten how comfortable these shoes are - not to mention how cute, with the light pink stitching and slim 2.5" stiletto. I lived in these shoes for a little over a year, wearing them with a charcoal pencil skirt or khaki linen slacks. Wearing these today was like coming home on a long, cold and rainy day, to a loved one and to a bowl of hot tomato soup with homemade mac & cheese.

They were actually almost thrown out when moving back in September; however, I couldn’t part with the joy these shoes brought me and who I am when I wear them.

In a way, this is related to the focus of tonight's class, Satya – Truth.

Truth – a sentiment and quality echoed through the ages, by Socrates, in all religions, and even resonating in Shakespeare’s Hamlet. There are so many levels of Truth – personal, inter-personal, global, etc. In our days we carry ourselves through a vision of what we want to portray to the world. But does this image reflect our own personal Truth?

At the foundation of Truth is the need to let go, dig down deep into ourselves, acknowledge, and accept who we are as individuals and as a community. The way to grow into Truth is to wholeheartedly embrace who you are, inclusive of your history and your limitations. History is the one thing we each own and can only hold ourselves to – we can share it and also learn from others, but we cannot change it. In history we can learn more about the Truth of ourselves and those limitations.

In my practice I'm noticing that there are poses that come easier to me than others and there are some I cannot fully express. But, again I come back to Bakasana. Although my Crow is more of a baby Crow and I still have a tendency to topple forward – with every practice the pose is becoming stronger for me. I'm learning where my balance is, what did not work and what did.

Ultimately, it's still about embracing the entirety of the path you’ve walked on and where it takes you – knowing that you can either change the path or the shoes that you’re walking in, or both. Mindful of the past and the future, but knowing that Truth lies within the present as that is the only thing we can control.

I know that one day I will find my classic round toed black pumps – I can’t rush it, until then I don't mind continuing to search. Until then, I’ll continue to enjoy my black NYLA d’Orsays.